[sim5]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
_________________

No expectations, no disappointments.

[jmf81]

Seen it before but still amusing

[sim5]

George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech.
After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Bob".
"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes? And Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes? Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?! And Fifth, Where is "Bob"? !!
_________________

No expectations, no disappointments.

[jmf81]

Another good one

[theunknownamus]

Nice. Here's a recent one:

The most commonly used phrase by U.S. President Barrack Obama is
"Let me be clear..."

The most uncommoly used phrase by him is
"Let me be specific..."

[sim5]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
_________________

No expectations, no disappointments.

[theunknownamus]

Q:What's the difference between a tire and 365 rubbers?

A:One's a Good Year, the other's a great year.

Q:What's the speed limit of sex?

A:68 - at 69 you have to turn around.

[theunknownamus]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"