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Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:49 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Betting Reply with quote

Laughing One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye."
The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.

Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye."

Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.

He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop."

The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.

"What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and more!"

Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry." Laughing
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Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:52 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Just A Juggalo Reply with quote

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard". Cool
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Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:53 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: High Tech Man Reply with quote

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across from the bartender. The bartender sees the man poking at his hand and putting it next to his ear, and asks him, "What are you doing?
The man replies, "Oh, it's the newest technology -- I have a phone built right into my hand." The man puts his hand next to the bartender's ear and, sure enough, the bartender hears a dial tone.

After a few drinks, the man goes into the bathroom. The bartender notices that he has been gone for almost a half-hour. Concerned, he goes into the bathroom to check it out. When he walks in, he sees the man with his hands on the wall standing with his legs apart and pants down. He has the end of a roll of paper towels shoved up his butt. Shocked, the bartender yells, "What are you doing?!"

The man groans and replies, "I'm waiting for a fax."
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Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:56 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Out of T.P> Reply with quote

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, ''He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.'' By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers.
She says, ''You're sure he isn't here?''
The bartender says, ''Yes, I'm very sure.''
The lady says, ''Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap in the women's restroom.'' Laughing Shocked
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Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:58 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Somewhat Drunk Reply with quote

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”

The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”
Razz
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Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:59 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Before It Starts Reply with quote

A man comes home from work and sits in his recliner in front of the television.
"Hey, wife!" he yells. "Gimme a beer before it starts!" She gives him his beer. Fifteen minutes pass.
"Hey, wife!" he yells. "Gimme a beer before it starts!" She gives him his beer. Five minutes pass.
"Hey, wife!" he yells. "Gimme a beer before it starts!"
"Hey, you've already had two beers in twenty minutes! Don't you think that's a lot? I'm not getting you another!"
"Now it starts."
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Mon Nov 02, 2009 6:00 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Beer Nuts vs Deer Nuts Reply with quote

How can you tell the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
The Beer Nuts are about a dollar fifty and the Deer Nuts are under a Buck
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Mon Nov 02, 2009 6:03 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Reply with quote

Two old friends/enemies who love to irritate each other are in a bar, drinking. One reaches over and feels the other's bald head.
"Good God! This feels just like my wife's ass!" The man whose head it is runs his hand over it, too.

"Yes, it does!"
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Mon Nov 02, 2009 6:06 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Reply with quote

A very old, but respected man walked into a local tavern. He looked around at the decor and realized it was the holiday season. He saw his neighbor, drunk out of his mind. The old man stepped up to the neighbor and asked him a question, "Jack do you know what difference between the baby Jesus and your wife?"
"No," replied the dead drunk man.

"Well the baby Jesus slept with a jackass one night, your wife sleeps with one every night." Laughing
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Mon Nov 02, 2009 6:07 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Bad Pickup Line Reply with quote

Is that Windex in your pants?
Because I can sure see myself in them Cool
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Mon Nov 02, 2009 6:09 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Don't be offended. ;) Reply with quote

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of estrogen. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive. Wink
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Mon Nov 02, 2009 6:10 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Self-Explanitory Reply with quote

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Surprised
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Mon Nov 02, 2009 6:11 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Poll Reply with quote

The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident.
89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh My God!''

In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''
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Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:59 am
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highvoltage
Planetoid


Joined: 19 Oct 2009
Posts: 36
Location: Turn Around

Post subject: Reply with quote

a guy tels dis other guy dat he got he got n a fight. da one guy can tel cause hes all beat up. the guy listning asks who did dis 2 him? "it was old man jekins". "but hes jus over a meter tal & couldnt beat up anyone!". "wel yeah," says da one guy "but he had a weapon in his hand". "oh" says guy #2. "did u hav anythin n ur hand?" "yeah, old man jekins wife's boob but its not much to fight wit". Laughing
_________________
Twisted Evil Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. Twisted Evil
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Tue Nov 03, 2009 3:50 am
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Yiles
Moon


Joined: 24 Feb 2008
Posts: 441

Post subject: Reply with quote

KILL THIS THREAD
_________________

Bruce Lee wrote:
“When the opponent expands, l contract. When he contracts, l expand. And when there is an opportunity...l do not hit...it hits all by itself”
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