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Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:41 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Paradox Reply with quote

But what if your suffocating in said s**t and to get out you have to ask an ememy for help? Confused Wink
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Tue Nov 03, 2009 8:58 am
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sim5
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Joined: 13 May 2008
Posts: 900

Post subject: Reply with quote

It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women..and then he turns them into Wives Sad
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Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:53 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: LOL Sim! Reply with quote

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday
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Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:05 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Whoa! Reply with quote

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
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Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:10 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Last One Tonight Reply with quote

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not." Cool Shocked Laughing

Slide Under The Table
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."
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Fri Nov 27, 2009 12:24 pm
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sim5
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Joined: 13 May 2008
Posts: 900

Post subject: Reply with quote

sim and judd both bought one horse each.

They wanted to make sure that they feed their own horse each morning. So Sim asked "how will we know which is your

and which is mine?"

judd said "its easy I will cut mine's tail, and yours will be the one with tail."

Some people outside heard it and cut the tail of other horse too.

So the next morning confusion arose even more. Sim said."don worry, ill tie a bell around its neck, yours will be the

one without the bell."

people heard this too so they cut the bell.

The next day, Sim got frustrated and said

"OKAY!! now the last criteria will be that:

WHITE HORSE will be yours and BLACK HORSE will be mine."
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Fri Nov 27, 2009 10:34 pm
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jmf81
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Joined: 08 Aug 2009
Posts: 76
Location: Australia

Post subject: Reply with quote

sim5 wrote:
sim and judd both bought one horse each.



Laughing
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Mon Nov 30, 2009 7:24 pm
Author Message
sim5
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Joined: 13 May 2008
Posts: 900

Post subject: dont waste ur anger Reply with quote

Having a bad day?please dont waste ur anger

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an *******!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!"


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window . . so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW *******, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an *******."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1.

"Hello."

"You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"*******, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******."

Then I called ******* #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, *******," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better - This is "Anger Management" at its very best. Wink
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Mon Nov 30, 2009 8:24 pm
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Become a TV writer! Reply with quote

LMFAO! This is 1000 times better than Punk'd. Laughing Laughing Laughing Did you record the news story? lol
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Wed Dec 09, 2009 5:05 pm
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sim5
Planet


Joined: 13 May 2008
Posts: 900

Post subject: Reply with quote

A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”

The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”

“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.” Sad
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Sat Dec 12, 2009 4:25 am
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sim5
Planet


Joined: 13 May 2008
Posts: 900

Post subject: Bitter Truth of Dubious Corporate Culture Reply with quote

ME and MY BOSS


When I Take a long time to finish,
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough


When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,


When I do something without being told,
I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,


When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
He is cooperating,


When I make a mistake,
I' am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
He's only human.


When I am out of the office,
I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office,
He's on business.


When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
He must be very ill.


When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an interview .
When my boss applies for leave,
it's because he's overworked



When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forgets


what to do?????????????
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Sat Dec 12, 2009 8:09 am
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jmf81
Planetoid


Joined: 08 Aug 2009
Posts: 76
Location: Australia

Post subject: Reply with quote

unfortunately there is a little truth in that one sim for some people Smile
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Wed Dec 16, 2009 6:34 am
Author Message
sim5
Planet


Joined: 13 May 2008
Posts: 900

Post subject: Reply with quote

Element name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
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Thu Dec 17, 2009 4:09 pm
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XCITE
Asteroid


Joined: 22 Oct 2009
Posts: 7
Location: South Africa

Post subject: Reply with quote

LMAO
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Equality and modesty rule supreme over selfishness and arrogance Wink
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Sat Dec 19, 2009 10:42 pm
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: felt bored :) Reply with quote

My ex-girlfriend used to call me Jack Daniels because I'm a hard liquor. Wink
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