Galactic Magnate logo  
   
 
Forums Home Register FAQ Website  
 
 

Forums home Forum Fun and Games Inspired by Sim and his jokes
Display posts from previous:   
      All times are GMT  
Post new topic  Reply to topic Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:10 am
Author Message
theunknownamus
Guest





Post subject: Why do drunks throw up in the sewer? Reply with quote

So homeless people can have breakfast.
      Back To Top  

Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:12 am
Author Message
theunknownamus
Guest





Post subject: Reply with quote

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down his pants. The barman looks at him curiously and says, ''Buddy, you know you got a steering wheel shoved down your pants?'' The man answers, ''Yeah, I know! It's been driving me nuts all day.''
      Back To Top  

Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:15 am
Author Message
theunknownamus
Guest





Post subject: Reply with quote

A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme a martooni.'' The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, ''Barkeep, gimme another martooni.'' So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says,'' Would you like another?'' She says,'' Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.''
The bartender says, ''Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.
Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray.''
      Back To Top  

Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:15 am
Author Message
theunknownamus
Guest





Post subject: Tequila Poem Reply with quote

One Tequila... two Tequila... three tequila... FLOOR!
      Back To Top  

Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:18 am
Author Message
theunknownamus
Guest





Post subject: I'm full of them! Reply with quote

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."
      Back To Top  

Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:19 am
Author Message
theunknownamus
Guest





Post subject: If you're Catholic, hope u werent offended by that last one! Reply with quote

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks
      Back To Top  

Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:20 am
Author Message
theunknownamus
Guest





Post subject: Reply with quote

You know, many of these could go in the drunk post. See you there! Very Happy
      Back To Top  

Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:34 am
Author Message
theunknownamus
Guest





Post subject: One that may apply to both Reply with quote

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.

"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r... w-w-what?" jeers the bartender.

"A small Coke."
      Back To Top  

Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:57 am
Author Message
Jinn
Planetoid


Joined: 19 Aug 2009
Posts: 73
Location: The middle of the ocean on a raft

Post subject: Reply with quote

You are aware there is an edit post button right?

The following joke is best told in person. Tone and inflection are incredibly important particularly at the end in the delivery of the punch line.

The Tale of Little Johnny and His Frog

Little Johnny walked into the local brothel carrying with him his dead frog. He approaches the counter and the manager recognizes him.

"O Hi little Johnny, what are you doing with the frog there?"

Little Johnny shakes his head solemnly and replies "Just don't worry about it"

"Well then what can I do for you little Johnny?" asks the manager

"I want a whore with herpes" says Johnny

"But, Johnny, I run a clean place - we don't have that kind of girl here"

From his pocket Johnny pulls out a $100 and slaps in on the counter

"I want - a whore with herpes" demands Johnny

"Johnny I'm afraid I just cannot help you, I can get you a nice clean girl"

Johnny reaches back into his pocket and pulls out anther c-note and places it upon the counter. "How about now?"

The manager turns and says "Let me make a call"

He gets off the phone and tells him that "Candy" is one her way and to wait by the entrance. When she arrives Johnny goes up the stairs and does his business. As he is about to leave the manager says to him

"Johnny, I know its not my business and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to but why in the world would you want a disease like herpes?

"You want to know why?!"

"I'll tell you why!"

[this part is the part in which tone and inflection matter most]
[EXPLICIT]

"Tonight when I get home I'm going to {f-word} my babysitter and she's gonna get herpes. Then my dad is going to take her home and he is going to {f-word} her and he will get herpes. Then he will come home and {f-word} my mom and she will get herpes.

[a short pause is appropriate here]

Then

Tomorrow

[another pause]

My mom will {f-word} the mailman and he will get herpes

[this line must be delivered with voracity]

AND THAT IS THE MOTHERFUCKER THAT KILLED MY FROG


The moral of this story is...

Do not mess with little Johnny
_________________
All you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be
      Back To Top  

Mon Nov 02, 2009 6:20 am
Author Message
theunknownamus
Guest





Post subject: D-D-D-Damn! Reply with quote

Shocked Surprised Shocked Laughing
      Back To Top  

Mon Nov 02, 2009 6:21 am
Author Message
theunknownamus
Guest





Post subject: Fall-Down Drunk Reply with quote

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
      Back To Top  

Mon Nov 02, 2009 1:52 pm
Author Message
Yiles
Moon


Joined: 24 Feb 2008
Posts: 441

Post subject: Reply with quote

Dude, give it a rest
_________________

Bruce Lee wrote:
“When the opponent expands, l contract. When he contracts, l expand. And when there is an opportunity...l do not hit...it hits all by itself”
      Back To Top  

Mon Nov 02, 2009 4:30 pm
Author Message
theunknownamus
Guest





Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry went a little overboard with the jokes! Hope you enjoyed them. Very Happy
      Back To Top  

Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:20 pm
Author Message
aussie
Ex Moderator


Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 1457
Location: Australia

Post subject: Reply with quote

a little bird left it too late to fly south for the winter and on the way the cold icy winds froze his wings.

he fell to the ground and thought he was going to die... along came a cow and crapped on him...he thought he was definelty dead then...but the warm cow pat thawed out his frozen wings and feeling happy and warm he began to chirp ....a cat heard him chirping and dug him out cleaned him up and ate him

moral of the story is

the person who puts you in the shit isnt always necessarily your enemy
and the person who gets you out of the shit isnt always necessarily your friend

so if you are warm and happy in a pile of shit...keep your mouth shut
_________________
why try so hard to fit in ....when you were born to stand out
      Back To Top  

Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:32 pm
Author Message
Beretta
Ex Moderator


Joined: 28 Jan 2009
Posts: 111
Location: Calgary, Alberta

Post subject: Reply with quote

love the jokes pls don't stop makes my day that much more bearable.
      Back To Top  
Post new topic  Reply to topic Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

 
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


      Back To Top  

Page 2 of 4
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group
Avalanche style by What Is Real © 2004