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Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:22 am
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jmf81
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Joined: 08 Aug 2009
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Location: Australia

Post subject: Inspired by Sim and his jokes Reply with quote

Excuse religious content if you are not religious...

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
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Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:29 am
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sim5
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Post subject: Re: Inspired by Sim and his jokes Reply with quote

inspired by sim ?
what a compliment for a unwanted person Smile Smile Smile
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Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:31 am
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jmf81
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Post subject: Reply with quote

Unwanted by who?? Or shouldn't I ask
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Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:32 am
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sim5
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Post subject: Re: Inspired by Sim and his jokes Reply with quote

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile..... somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached Safely
Date: 21 st July, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I've just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was .........
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Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:33 am
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jmf81
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Post subject: Reply with quote

I love that one! I've seen it before but it still cracks me up Laughing
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Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:34 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Indeed he does! Reply with quote

Any compliment is a good compliment. (sort of)
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Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:34 am
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sim5
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Post subject: Reply with quote

** Director: "So you say you can end all unemployment."
Candidate: "Yes sir."
Director: "How had you planned to do that?"
Candidate: "Well, I'd put all the men on one island and all the women on another."
Director: "And what would they be doing then?"
Candidate: "Building boats."
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Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:36 am
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sim5
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Post subject: Reply with quote

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,

"My husband's home! My husband's home!"
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Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:38 am
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jmf81
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Post subject: Reply with quote

You have to stop! Its too much! Laughing Laughing
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Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:39 am
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sim5
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Post subject: Reply with quote

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:41 am
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sim5
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Post subject: Reply with quote

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:45 am
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sim5
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Post subject: Reply with quote

i have some dishes but they r non vegiesssssss
dont know if i should serve Question
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Sun Nov 01, 2009 11:42 pm
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Bravo! Encore! Reply with quote

Laughing Let 'em rip! I'm hardly offended by anything. Wink
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Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:05 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: What's the difference between sex and air? Reply with quote

It's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Laughing
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Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:06 am
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theunknownamus
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Post subject: Reply with quote

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"
"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."
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